Studio World Universe
Starvard University
Where the stars go to study hard.
Est. 2026
Studio World Universe
Where the stars go to study hard.
Est. 2026
About
Starvard University was founded in 2026 when Stanford and Harvard had a baby. It was a beautiful ceremony. Both parents are very proud, though neither will admit which one is the father.
We combine the prestige of Harvard, the innovation of Stanford, and the academic rigor of neither. Our students are the best and brightest, selected through a rigorous process of asking "are you sure?" three times.
Office of the President
Office of the President · University Hall, Room 1 (the nice one)
October 5, 2026
Dear Prospective Student (or Parent, or Donor, preferably Donor),
It is with great humility, and I do mean great humility, perhaps the greatest humility ever displayed by a university president, that I welcome you to Starvard University.
You have likely heard of Harvard. You have likely heard of Stanford. We are better than both. I say this not out of arrogance, but out of a deep, abiding commitment to the truth, which happens to be that we are better.
Our faculty includes some of the finest minds ever assembled. Dinesh, our Professor of Making Things Fast, once reduced a page load by 0.3 seconds, an achievement that lesser institutions would call "minor" but which we correctly recognize as historic.
Our Professor of Prospecting, Chadwick Blaze, has a simple philosophy: "Believe." I do not fully understand what this means, but the students seem to find it inspiring, and frankly, that is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking we foster here.
We also have a designer, Henri Hue, who is French. I mention this because it sounds impressive at dinner parties.
Our endowment is robust. By which I mean we have a jar in the lobby labeled "Endowment" and people put coins in it. Last Tuesday someone put in a nickel. We are very excited about the trajectory.
I should also mention our mascot, Marty, who is a pigtail girl with a bunny plush. Some have questioned whether this is appropriate for a university mascot. To those critics I say: have you seen our football team? We do not have one. The mascot is the least of our concerns.
In closing, I want you to know that attending Starvard will change your life. It changed mine. Before I became president, I was just a regular person. Now I have a parking space with my name on it. That is the Starvard difference.
We look forward to rejecting your application with the utmost courtesy.
Warmest regards,
Reginald P. Worthington III
President, Starvard University
B.A., Starvard '26 (inaugural class, only graduate)
"I went here before it was cool, because I invented it."
Academics
Starvard offers a world-class curriculum across our three schools:
Dean: Professor Dinesh
Majors: Page Speed Optimization, Removing PNGs, Redis Everything
Core requirement: Every student must make something load in under one second or they do not graduate. Most students graduate in 0.8 seconds.
Dean: Professor Chadwick Blaze
Majors: Prospecting, Believing, Website Archaeology
Core requirement: Find 8,500 broken websites. Believe.
Dean: Professor Henri Hue
Majors: Pixel Perfection, Beret Studies, Bonsoir
Core requirement: Design 200 images. Bonsoir.
Dean: Professor Sally
Majors: Vlogging, Keeping Mike Honest, Wednesday Deadlines
Core requirement: One vlog every Wednesday. No excuses. Even the CEO answers to somebody.
Faculty
Leads: "Being Better Than Harvard 101." Office hours: whenever he feels like it, which is always, because he is the president.
Teaches: "Believe 101," "Advanced Believing," "Believe (Graduate Seminar)." Has never not believed.
Teaches: "Design So Good It Hurts." Speaks French. This is listed as a qualification.
Teaches: "Ship It 101." Also teaches Mike to ship it. Every Wednesday. No excuses.
Teaches: "How to Be a CEO (Still Learning)." Takes notes in everyone else's classes.
Admissions
Admission to Starvard is highly selective. Our acceptance rate of 0.001% reflects our commitment to excellence, and also the fact that our application form has 400 pages and the submit button is hidden.
Tuition: $0. We have not figured out how to charge tuition yet. The bursar's office is just a guy named Dave who says "we'll figure it out later."
Campus Life
Our teams are called the Fighting Starvards. We do not have any teams. But if we did, they would be the best.
Marty, a pigtail girl with a bunny plush in her hoodie pocket. She is the class clown and our beloved mascot. Opposing teams are confused. We consider this a competitive advantage.
One dining hall. It serves grape Spindrift. That is the entire menu. Students love it.
Our library contains every blog post Mike has ever written. It is updated every two hours. The librarian is very tired.
Alumni
The only graduate. Valedictorian (by default). Gave the commencement address to himself. It was moving.
Know a Starvard alum? Please let us know. We are very lonely.
"Ad astra per aspera, but make it fun."